Monday, Jan. 30, 2017 - 8:49 p.m.
Lost. Lost

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Sometimes I feel like I am expected to be perfect. It is like someone always wants something from me, and I give and I give, but I don't get back.
I am expected to be a teacher who is on point all the time. But I often feel like I am drowning.
I am expected to be this wonderful mother, but I am not always. I make mistakes, big ones, and I am not sure how to fix them.
I am supposed to be this wife, to a person who does not understand me. I feel like he wants things from me always that I just don't know how to give. And that if I don't give them to him he just picks an picks and picks at me until I give in. I have no autonomy over my life. I just live with cutting words that are designed to hurt me. I can't live up to anyone's expectations, so why should I even try? I feel like giving up so often, but I get up and keep moving forward, but I'm not really moving forward. I am stagnant. I am sinking. I am drowning in the quicksand of my expectations on myself and the expectations I perceive others have of me, and the expectations they do have of me. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am losing myself. I am lost. I don't know how to be found.
How can I be anything to anyone else if I cannot be me for me? How can I be anything if I don't know who me is anymore?
I often wonder if I suffer from depression or something. I wonder why I get so angry so quickly and just feel so flustered and lost and agitated. Why do I want to be left alone so much. Is it because I don't know who I am? Do I put more pressure on me than anyone? Have I given up, and withdrawn into just a state of nothingness?

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